https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rST6T3bMhMiUgmDDxBgZQyvukz0z8P_qBkoftKT20z4/edit?usp=sharing

This is the link to my personal essay, thank you.

Pandemia

I’ve always been into sci-fi and dystopian media – but who actually thought I’d be living it? The COVID pandemic is one of the most challenging experiences I have ever witness and endured in my life. I can’t recall ever wearing a face mask prior to 2020. Hand sanitizers were a thing I carried in my purse as a luxury – not a necessity. Some people say the death of Kobe Bryant was in an indicator of the times. Others think it was when Meghan Markle and Prince Harry had their “BREXIT”. But who can really say?
“The Pandemia” was what my mother-in-law called it. Others called it “The ‘Rona”. Especially young new Yorkers – you know we are quick to coin a phrase for everything. Regardless of the name, it affected you in some way, somehow.

Yesterday – The Beatles / “Yesterday (Cover) by Billie Eilish and Finneas, performed at the 2020 Oscars

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fP-epyqh-M

Who could forget the haunting dreamy whispers of Billie Eilish singing “Yesterday” at the Oscars? “Yesterday – All my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay. Oh, I believe, in yesterday”, she recites as Kobe Bryant’s face flashes across the screen. I cried watching this performance, not only because it was the “In Memoriam” portion of the show but in disbelief that Kobe Bryant had died two weeks before with his daughter in a helicopter crash. During this time, COVID seemed like a boogeyman – something discussed in the news but nothing that anyone had actually witnessed just yet. The parallels to the lyrics are uncanny because during this time, COVID was a trouble that seemed far away outside of the United States. Who knew that weeks later, New York would become the epicenter of the virus, shutting down schools, businesses and so much more. “Suddenly, I’m not the half the man I used to be. There’s a shadow hanging over me. Oh, yesterday came suddenly.”

War – Pop Smoke, Lil TJay

It was the beginning of the semester at Queens College and this was the song I’d bump heading to school. The whole act of starting Queens College felt like going to war. I’d get myself geared up every morning (for what felt like “War”) — Air pods in, Doc Martens on, running in an oversized purple puffer coat two sizes too big because I was four months pregnant and couldn’t fit into anything else. I had no idea how to navigate the campus and received no formal orientation – so it was just me and my iPhone each day, learning how to navigate the campus with GPS. I downloaded the app for the bus schedule, which worked only when it wanted to. The trip to QC was stressful but hearing, “I don’t get mad, I get money. What you looking at, little dummy? I start buckin’ teeth like I’m Bunny and I back the Wraith out for nothin”, cracked me up every time. Three weeks into the semester, Pop would get shot to death on February 19^th.  It seemed surreal as the world watched in disbelief with videos of him being carried on a stretcher went viral on the internet. Less than 24 hours after accidentally posting his location online, people would break into his home, shoot him and leave him for dead. Who would’ve thought that one of New York’s most promising artists would’ve gotten killed at 19? Crazy. Perhaps this should’ve been a sign of the times back then, too, because exactly 1 month later, New York would go on lockdown.

You’re Somebody Else – flora cash

News of the pandemic became more frequent on the news. I watched as some of the strongest people I knew felt terrified of what was coming. My husband and mother in law would come home discussing what they were seeing at the hospitals. I’d hear from my mom the stories about her co-workers getting sick and being forced to quarantine in their homes. School transitioned to online learning and everyone was unsure of what was to come. “You look like yourself, But you’re somebody else, Only it ain’t on the surface” rang true as I watched the people and places I loved change around me. It was eerie going to the grocery stores and seeing the empty shelves. Or sitting with my husband and mother in law, trying to figure out what we should buy in case it went out of stock. Strategizing the best days and times to try going to Costco or Target to buy toilet paper and baby wipes, because they were completely sold out everywhere.

Every Single Thing – HOMESHAKE

It was April 1^st when my husband found out he had COVID. I remember feeling nervous when the results came into his phone via email from his job. I was in our bedroom while he was in the living room, where he had been for the past nine hours waiting for the results. He Facetimed me from the living room to let me know that the results were positive.

Positive for COVID-19.

My mind was racing – trying to re-trace our interactions over the past few days. This is what they now call “contact tracing”. I didn’t know if I had caught it myself. Or if Micah, our 1 year old, had it. Or what to expect if we did get sick. Or what would happen to Morris – would he make it or was this the end? I called my mom to tell her the news and she didn’t hesitate before telling me to come over. My mother in law agreed – that it wouldn’t be safe for us to stay there. Not for Micah. Or myself. Or our unborn baby. I packed everything as quickly as I could before leaving the apartment for what would be Two months. Yes – Two. Months.

“Feeling so out of touch, Staying inside too much. Introducing all these hands but I’m out of luck.”

Come Thru (with Usher) – Summer Walker ft Usher

I’d call Morris throughout the day but sometimes he wouldn’t answer. He was feeling too tired. Or too sick. I didn’t know if I was calling too much. Or if I wasn’t calling enough. I was seeing so many homeopathic remedies being suggested online – respiratory steams to help him breathe better. My mother sent over a garlic/honey mixture as well as a new asthma pump in hopes that it would help. But he wouldn’t bother. He said, “You should be careful giving out all of this advice, you’re not a doctor.”

I found myself feeling frustrated. And sad. And exhausted. And alone. Very much alone.

I spent the first two weeks in my mother’s house with a mask on. We wouldn’t talk much when she was home unless I was standing outside of her bedroom. Or through text messages.

There were so many narratives swirling about the virus. No one knew what to believe. From doctors coming out, stating that the virus was “Fake” to the viral “Plandemic” videos to disputes over how the virus was actually spread. Bottles of Lysol wipes and latex gloves, scrubbing down everything bought in the stores. My mind was in a daze. From baby kicks to sleepless nights — All I wanted was to be home. And after May came, I was.

I Like Him – Princess Nokia

July 20^th, the morning of my anniversary, Liam was ready to come into the world. Morris was the only one allowed to come. No other family members. Or friends.
Just my partner.

And me.

The hospital a different experience this time around, with me wearing a mask the entire time. He was a beautiful little bean, 7 pounds exactly. With Micah, they carried him away to clean him before giving him back to me. But with Liam, I held him right away.
When I brought him home, I made an Instagram story with this song, zooming in on his face while he was sleeping. my He was precious and absolutely perfect – a silver lining in the midst of the chaos. The calm after a storm.

Just Like Heaven – The Cure

 

And just like that – things have shifted again. My father in law passes away from COVID in El Salvador. The airports and borders are closed. No one can travel to attend the funeral service.

It was a difficult time. It still is.

Avenue Beat – F2020

 

We had a socially distanced Thanksgiving. And Christmas. Spent New Year’s at home watching the ball drop and exchanging text messages sending well wishes for the new year. Yet, there’s an eerie undertone to it all. To see Times Square on TV completely empty and desolate. To hear of all of the businesses shuttered throughout the city from the virus.

To know that there is still so much work to be done – to heal the world and ourselves after what we have witnessed in the past twelve months. There’s a sense of comfort that 2020 is over but also a lingering question of what truly lies ahead.

Voortman, Sebastian. Body of Water during Golden Hour. Pexels.

There have been moments when I’ve felt the most alive and not through the ways you might think. Not from a huge success like getting the job you wanted or the first college you chose. Not from the exhilaration of riding a roller coaster or making out with someone you just met at a party. I’m talking about the magic when the air is quiet and still. When your mind pauses and the moment is a standstill. It’s something on a whole other level that is owed to nothing particularly spectacular. But when I feel this it’s like l’m submerged deep down into my subconscious mind in the actual waking moment. How I get there is a willing relinquishing of control, surrendering to my environment, an embrace with intimacy and curiosity. My world becomes inverted—I’ve stepped into the marvelous twilight.

 

~Digging My Feet Into the Sand~

Mike. Green Leafed Trees Near Body of Water. Pexels.

“Like a Bell to a Southerly Wind,” Chequerboard

 

I’m crouched by the warm pond, searching for skinny, racing geckos with my cousin’s Hailie and Kylie. My sister and I were visiting our family in Albany, in a magical place the adults called The Land. Okay, The Land wasn’t really hot shit. It was just my aunts current ex-boyfriends property in rural New York, with a pond, and hilly plains perfect for swimming and lighting s’mores. I recently started middle school and hated it. Everyone acted like a 45 year old low life that thrived on cigarettes and sex with strangers. Hardened by life, carrying a forced demeanor of draining any sensitivity, apparently called “coolness”. I was never cool. I was just a kid and the connections I made with nature and family on The Land saved me from the drowning dynamics of people’s power play and self-preserving performances. I felt free, holding my dad’s waist as we jetted over the dry grass on the four-wheeler. My cousins and I stared satisfying at jars containing a fuzzy caterpillar, a gecko, and beetle—a hard day’s work of exploring and harvesting wild life. We all surrounded a roaring flame and smiled at the orange and yellow wisps dancing into the wide, dark sky. I was more than happy— I was content. Rooted into the present from the love of play and surrender to a trusting community.

 

~Sea Salt~

Petersson, Maria. Wooden spoon with salt on table. Pexels.

“Bless Those Tired Eyes,” Clem Leek

 

There are days that feel like salt in the wound. My mother is a home health aid with raging clients that need her yet undervalue her. It is soul crushing work. Yet she opens the door each night with dark marks under her eyes and a large smile, emitting a soft glow. I race to finish the lentil soup on time to comfort her, even if it’s just a warm broth after a long day. She closes her eyes, sinks deeper into the couch, and relishes in the simplicity of a home cooked meal. She is patient. She is gentle and gracious. She is an exhausted hand extending out from the darkness, still giving to others.

You can read my poem on this subject published in Utopia Parkway Journal: 

https://utopiaparkwayjournal.wordpress.com/spring-2021-issue/para-tu-alma/

 

~Crashing Waves~

Tuesday Temptation. Purple and Blue Light Digital Wallpaper. Pexels.

“Labyrinth,” Toro y Moi

 

Coming home from that Halloween party with CJay, sent chills through every part of me. The taxi ride was timeless. We had been dating for over a year. That point in a relationship when the infatuation simmers down and a deeper kind of love begins to emerge. It was around 3am and we were transported onto a beach shore when we crashed onto the bed and connected. It was one of our most enchanting nights. Vulnerable and real. Stars lined the floor and the room was a calming indigo blue. He was an ocean wave as he dropped me down and kissed my face. Sharp orange from the street lights danced through thin cracks between the blinds. Police sirens snuck in too but I heard nothing. How? When his eyes were orbs of midnight.

 

~The Meandering River~

Pok Rie. Brown river flowing through sandy coast in tropical resort. Pexels.

“Heaven or Las Vegas,” Cocteau Twins

 

I was elated as I walked home—I made a first real friend. Mehnaz was reserved in high school and didn’t open up as easily as I did. We met on the first day of school on a greasy cafeteria table. Her deep brown eyes drew me in—they looked kind and soft. Like me, she went to middle school in another neighborhood and knew no one. She was calm yet awkward, humble and sweet. Turned out we went to the same middle school but never met. Turned out we had almost every class on our new schedule together. We walked to the bus stop everyday after school and one day, she opened her heart to me. We looked at each other and the windows over both of our eyes were wide open. The river changed course, our friendship took a deep turn of intimacy from there. She’s been my best friend for almost a decade.

 

~The Other Side of the Pacific~

Renard, Christine. Window View of Airplane. Pexels.

“Waves,” Daniel Daniel

 

My soul sister is planning to cross the Pacific to start her new adventure in Japan. Melissa has gone scuba diving, wilderness skills training, skiing and snow boarding, you name it. And now she’ll be leaving the country for the first time. If Mel doesn’t get this job, she’ll apply for something else and get to where she wants to go somehow. That’s just who she is and I love that about her. She’s a major badass. But she’s also my good friend—and it may be selfish for me to say but she’s my home and I always want her near. I will miss her. She’s been a grounding rock through her tremendous ability to be vulnerable and emotionally sensitive in relationships. Mel has been through heart wrenching experiences yet loves herself so much that nothing has stopped her from reaching her personal success and joy. She is a living example of someone who’s been engulfed and pushed down by tidal waves yet gets up and goes back swimming. I am proud of her. Like Daniel Daniel, I’m afraid I’ll be “drowning without you.” But I already know I’m equipped with the tools to swim over harsh waves too—and a big reason for that is her. 

 

~Rooted By You~

Baskin Creative Studios. Time Lapse Photography of Lake. Pexels.

“Night After Sidewalk,” Kaki King

 

Sometimes my dad will pump old rock and funk songs when he drives me Upstate. And sometimes the car is silent. I lean toward the window and am immersed in the chill and stillness of Albany. I’m exposed, being next to all those tall trees who were here before me and who will live longer than me. I feel small in the most comforting way. This universe is large and complicated and I’m just a speck in it. I don’t have to be any specific way. But they never make me feel lonely either. Their height is tremendous and their roots are strong. I feel like they will take care of me and I have nothing to worry about. My dad’s love comes in the same way. He see’s the world in me yet doesn’t take me all that seriously either. He just takes me as I am. It feels like there’s no destination when driving with my dad. The destination is the car—but only when it’s just me and him.

 

NOTE: I haven’t delved into music descriptions in my mixtape yet. I followed the style of Haroon Moghul’s “How to Be a Muslim,” with a focus on narrative. I plan on adding music description to each section when I edit for my final portfolio. 

 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Kwt8dqSX_x1TjE5BR_-ngrWmWJN1_-MKlN8alMdHauA/edit?usp=sharing

This is my google doc of my personal essay for this assignment.

Musical Time Capsule

It’s probably a cliché to say that music conjures up so many memories. I am sure many people say it frequently or have said it a few times in the past. Maybe it’s not cliché at all. Maybe it’s the one thing we all have in common but never particularly mention; music definitely has the ability to bring up memories we have either not thought about in a long time or possibly bring up at after get together, text conversation or Zoom meeting.

My iPhone is like a time capsule. I have approximately 4,513 songs on my music app. I have it set to shuffle all the time and nine times out of ten a song will come up that thrusts me back to last week, last month, two years ago, a decade ago, twenty-five or thirty-two years ago. I hit next and “Don’t Worry Be Happy” by Bobby Mcferrin comes up and suddenly it’s 1989 again and I am at the park across the street from my grandmother’s apartment when she lived on Bronx Boulevard just off the 2 and the 5 train stop on Gun Hill Road. Eminem’s “Drips” brings me back to the day Saurabh and I left Forest Hills High School early to meet a girl in Brooklyn I met online who catfished me (before catfishing was a thing) and I had Saurabh drive his car toward me so I could jump on the hood like Spider-Man only to land on neck and pass out—all to get out of this blind meeting with the girl. “Live and Learn” by Crush 40 throws me back to the “Sonic Adventure 2” and “Mario Party 2 & 3” wars of 2002 with Alex.

My iPhone is my time capsule. Some songs bring up good memories. Some songs bring up bad memories. Some songs remind me of fun, the games, the sadness and loss. Some memories may make you laugh or make you cry. Some make offend you or some may be too vague. Either way, the songs bring back memories I will always cherish.

Wild, Wild West – Will Smith & Kool Moe Dee (1999)
I despise this song. Not only did the film not appeal to my 14-year-old self—as I had been fully invested in the semi adult content of late 90’s professional wrestling as opposed to the cheesy, corny PG-13 film this song was written for. No, my hate for this song partially comes because of this series of TV spots Burger King had promoting these cheap “Wild, Wild West” children’s sunglasses that must have play a dozen times an hour on Nickelodeon. All I hear is the chorus containing Kool Moe Dee’s baritone voice repeating “Wild, Wild, West” over and over. The TV spots seem to play endless throughout the summer of 1999. The other reason I despise this song is because those sunglasses have a whole difference significance that is cemented in my mind. It was July 11th 1999 and friend, Ramy (who was my grandmother’s neighbor) had just watch a kitten, Katie, die slowly in the middle of the street after being hit by a car driven by a group of teenagers. Katie was only a few months old and belonged to our friend Jonathan (whom my grandmother used to babysit.) Jonathan saw us standing over Katie as she lay on the hot black concrete—her eye protruding from her tiny skull, the ground covered in blood. Jonathan was wearing those awfully small sunglasses. As he watched Katie’s death spasm, he screamed as he removed the sunglasses and snapped them in half. Jonathan’s mother, Neri, in her drugged up daze walked over to Katie’s body. Neri looked like a zombie—death incarnate herself, as she scooped up Katie with her bare hands and tossed her in a plastic garbage can outside their home. I lost my innocence that day and the beginning of my fear of death came that night as I lay in bed and I saw Katie laying at my feet with her eye missing just staring at me lifelessly.

Trouble – Shampoo (1994)
December 17th 1995; my birthday. I had received Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie as a gift. My parents invited a bunch of people over and Jonathan and his mom came over. We let the movie play in the background while we played Mortal Kombat 3 on my Sega Genesis. When “Trouble” came up during the skydiving scene, Jonathan screamed “Oh my god, I love this song.” Truly the pinnacle of innocence and purity. Five years later I saw him shattered and broken like the sunglasses he destroyed after Katie died. Jonathan passed from cancer away three years ago. He was far too young. Although we had lost contact after the summer of 2000, I will always have these memories and this sing helps to remind me.

The Best Is Yet To Come – Aoife (1998)
This song hits close to home for a few reasons. The first being that I first heard it during the first half of 1999 before watching the kitten die and before the fear of death. The title of the song is a n extreme juxtaposition of what occurred the rest of that year. It almost feels like a slap in the face to be told “the best is yet to come” and then nothing but negative occurs for the remainder of the time. The song is entirely in Gaelic and I have no idea what the lyrics are about, but the song is slow and peaceful sounding like the first half of that year. The second reason being that song reminds me of the one woman in my life that I could honestly say I cared for more than any other. My friend Ramy introduced me to the video game Metal Gear Solid and we spent months playing that one particular game over and over again. His mother, Maha, let us spend hours upon hours screaming at each other and at the television and she only scolded us one time. However, Maha generally let us boys be boys and she was very supportive of us when we were younger. A very short time ago, I wished her a happy birthday and she replied with a simple thank you and called me her “second son.” Not long after that, she passed away—cancer again. This song reminds me of her positivity and her endearing nature.

Criminal – Eminem (2000)
This song conjures up different memories. I recall my friend Saurabh giving me a copy of The Marshall Mathers LP and then we spent weeks talking about it and blasting out on his father’s station wagon radio. We were the most non “gangsta” teenage boys rolling around in that beige “shaggi’ wagon” as we called it. The one memory that comes to mind when I think of “Criminal” is the morning of September 11, 2001. The Saturday prior to that Tuesday, HBO had premiered an Eminem concert that I recorded for Saurabh on VHS. My parents were anti-Eminem so I was unable to actually skim through the recording until Tuesday morning before school. I ended up watching the live performance of “Criminal” and then went to school where I spoke about it to a classmate named Gary. He was a metalhead with green spiked hair and al black clothes but for some reason he was entertained by the way I mimicked Eminem’s monologue before the song because. As we walked up the packed stairwell of Forest Hills high school, I screamed out “So Eminem angrily says WHY DID YOU DO IT WHY DID YOU DO IT? BECAUSE I’M A CRIMINAL.” Gary and I laughed and went our separate ways. Two periods later We all learned of the terrorist attacks from that morning. At first, I feared that I anger the gods by watching something my parents were against. They raised me in their ridiculous beliefs of Santeria so I feared that my glorifying of Eminem somehow led to this catastrophic event. I eventually moved past those childish thoughts but I will never forget that packed stairwell, Gary, that concert or that morning.

She Hates Me – Puddle of Mudd (2001)
I graduated high school in June of 2002 and was desperately in need to run away from my home life. My family had just gotten internet access shortly after the 9/11 attacks and my goal from that moment forward to find a girlfriend online and run away. Enter Lindsay from Arizona. I met Lindsay and her band of friends during the summer of 2002 while browsing an AOL chat room for Eminem fans. I don’t even recall the specifics of who messaged whom first but I know we spoke throughout the rest of the year and she seemed like she really liked me. We exchanged photographs and Christmas and Valentine’s Day cards. Then she disappeared in March of 2003. After months of talking to her, it seemed serious enough where I fell in love with her. Turns out it was all a lie, or so she claimed. One day she messaged me claiming to have been nearly kidnapped and a man named “Erik” saved her when she ran to a nearby ton. Then she disappeared and her friend Bonnie messaged me saying “Lindsay is dead.” Having flashbacks to Jessica in junior high school, I panicked and fell into a depression. A few weeks later Lindsay messaged me calling me a “faggot” and a “bitch” for falling for a girl online. It was around this time that I heard this Puddle of Mudd song and it summed up Lindsay and my depression very well.

Tainted Love – Marilyn Manson (2003)
I will never forget Christine. I met her after she saw me walking a friend of mine, James, to school. She was in one of James’ classes and when she saw me she told him she wanted to date me. I wasn’t exactly Rico Suave so when I heard that I jumped at the chance. Big mistake. Christine had issues. The same day she met me, she told her father I was her boyfriend. Her father claimed to have heard so much about me. Then the weirdness started. Christine would tell me about all her sexual partners and what she did with them. She would point out different people from her school—males and females, and explain to me what they did sexually. She also believed that babies were actually aliens who inhabited the womb of women. I was a shy, prudish little guy then so this was freaking me out. One night she emailed me and said “I masturbated to you while listening to ‘Tainted Love.’ We are getting married when I finish this school year.” I panicked. The next day her father tried to run me over with his Ford pickup truck when I exited the Wendy’s on the corner of Metropolitan Avenue and Woodhaven Boulevard. She was my second girlfriend and it was the smoothest break up I ever had.

All The Things She Said – T.A.T.U. (2003)
If 1999 was the “year of fear and death”, then 2003 was the “year of the Femme.” James and I were sitting at Macdonald Park on Queens Boulevard when noticed two Asian girls sitting at the bench across from us. One of them was very tom boyish but the other one was very feminine and super cute. They walked past us and I asked them for the time. The tom boyish one told me the time. My quick-witted nature then had me blurt out “hey you’re kind of cute” to your super cute one. She replies “I’m a lesbian.” Then the tomboy said “I’m a lesbian. My name is Valerie. This is my sister Viella Mae.” We laughed at my stupid pickup line and then we learned that Valerie was dating a girl, Monica, who happened to be in one of James’ classes— this should have been an indicator to run after the Christine fiasco. What ensued was three months of ridiculous problems. James’ brother, David, caused major issues for us when he asked Valerie and Monica if they could have sex in front of him like “that one T.A.T.U video.” Turns out Valerie hated T.A.T.U because “they aren’t real lesbians and it’s a cheap marketing ploy.” Thing went from bad to worse when it turns out all these girls were cheating on each other with other people or had secret girlfriends no one knew about all the while James was trying to get with Monica who in turn used me for information on Valerie. Although nothing happened between Monica and I, I somehow ended up with a reputation in Forest Hills High School for supposedly sleeping with Monica. Of course I would end up with a rep a year after I graduated with no way to bask in it.

International You Day – No Use For A Name (2001)
I never had someone dedicate something to me until my first real girlfriend, Jane, dedicated this song to me not long after we began dating in November of 2003. The relationship was tumultuous. She was a 16 year old girl with a twin sister, June, who were heavy alcoholics during their senior year of high school. Not wanting to relive the drama of Jessica from junior high, I tried my best to get Jane to stop drinking and hanging with a bad crowd. The more I begged and pleaded for her to stop, the deeper she fell into that life. One day she went to a drinking party. While there, she got wasted on drugs and alcohol and ended up getting naked and having sex with her sister and a girl named Tina. June was also raped by her boyfriend after Jane left the party. The entire thing was recorded by their friend they called “Polo.” I was afraid of losing another girl and being blamed for it so I stayed with Jane for two and a half more years. Soon she became physically abusive to me; giving me cigarette burns and cuts and scars I still have to this day. She ended sent me to the hospital after kicking me in the crotch twice. I probably can’t have kids because of that but I am too scared to confirm. Jane cheated on me numerous times all the while claiming this song explained how she felt about me.

I Believe in a Thing Called Love – The Darkness (2004)
This song is a hard pill to swallow for me. It was introduced to me by a friend named Lance. Lance had a complicated life. He was gay but in the closet as far as his family was concerned. The woman who raised him and claimed to be his mother was really his grandmother. The woman he was told was his sister was actually his birth mother. Lance was confused and complicated. Most people hated Lance. They found him annoying and weird. James hated him and Jane mocked him but I always felt bad that his home life was just as bad or even worse than my own. Growing up, people found me weird and annoying too so it made me give Lance a chance. Lance became weirdly loyal to me after I defended him a few times. The easiest way to compare it would be like having an overprotective guard dog. Still, he had his problems and there were times he needed a shoulder to cry on. One day he came over to my apartment to get away from the abuse. He turned on the Fuse channel and we spent hours watching music videos. Then the music video for “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” came on. He became “giddy as a school girl” as he called it. He told me how much he loved that song. It wasn’t my type of music because at the time I was still so heavily into Eminem and then Manson (because my parents hated him so I needed more of his music to piss them off) and I was sort of into Rammstein and Linkin Park and System of a Down. Justin Hawkins, the lead single, had incredible range when he would sing in falsetto. It kind of grew on me. Lance ran away from home in April of 2004. I know it had to do with his family’s abuse but some days I blame myself because he had a major crush on me and was very upset when he found out I wasn’t gay and that Jane and I were in a relationship. Whenever I heard this song, I think of Lance and wonder if he ever made it.

The Hills Remix – Eminem & The Weeknd (2015)
I never heard the original version of The Hills by The Weeknd. I know nothing about The Weeknd. What I do know is that this remixed version by Eminem speaks volumes to me when it comes to this one woman I know from New Jersey. I was introduced to Melissa back in early 2009. I was single at the time and desperately looking but nothing caught my eye quite like Melissa did. I don’t know what it was that attracted me to her because she had a raspy voice, snaggleteeth and had a weird obsessive with wrongly quoting comedians and movies. It could have been that she was the first woman I was able to speak to on a human level where I didn’t have to fake anything and we actually spoke like we had known each other for years. I was friend zoned real hard with Melissa. And then one day she goes and gets pregnant and has a baby with some loser from Pennsylvania who had no job and was cheating on Melissa with a drug addicted woman who had a baby grown while playing with a bucket full of water. Melissa called me after the birth of her first son and started singing tunes about how she hated the baby’s father and how I had a chance with her. We were supposed to meet up one day and talk about feelings. She stood me up. The next night she tells me “I’m back with my baby’s father.” This happened maybe two or three times whenever they were on the outs. If ever there was a song that so deeply complimented a situation, it’s definitely The Hill Remix by Eminem.

Not Your Kind of People – Garbage (2012)
I had never heard of the band Garbage before until I started dating my girlfriend Jessica. She loves Garbage. It wasn’t until I heard this particular song in the trailers for Metal Gear Solid 5. Lyrically, I felt like this song was how I felt after all these years of trying to fit in. It hits even closer to home when it comes to Jessica’s family. Her parents are Polish and her sister had 3 kids with a Mexican man she was briefly married to but left for an Irish fellow. All the while I have been trying to live up to these ridiculous expectations and the family still treats me like an outsider. By the time I heard this song in 2015, Jessica and I had been together for five years. After so many failed relationships, trouble with racists parents of the girls I dated, terrible friends and my own family issues, it was all summed up pretty well in this song.

Briefly Mentioned Above

Live and Learn – Crush 40 (Sonic Adventure 2) (2001)

Don’t Worry Be Happy – Bobby McFerrin (1988)

Drips – Eminem (2002)

Growing up in a Spanish household, there was always one thing that was a constant in my life: music. As far back as I can remember, there was always music playing in the background of my home. As my mom cooked dinner, she would have Marc Anthony playing in the background, she is what we call a salsera (a person who loves to dance salsa). When we took road trips, my dad would have Elvis Crespo blasting in the car. When we attended a wedding or baptism, there was always an expectation that people should always be on the dance floor, even while the food was being served.

Spanish music is such an important part of the culture, that anyone who doesn’t dance is considered a pariah. Whenever we would visit my family in Ecuador, my poor brother would be the butt of all the jokes, as he never wanted to learn to dance (everyone tried to teach him, it just never stuck). Unlike my brother, I enjoyed dancing, it was a form of expression that I always appreciated. I loved dancing so much that I begged my parents to enroll me in a dance school. They did look into it, but being immigrants, they couldn’t afford it. Nevertheless, they did try to make up for it by teaching me themselves. Boy, did I love every minute of it. As a child of divorce, the only fond memories I have of my father are of him teaching me how to dance to salsa and merengue.

As kids become teenagers, they succumb to peer pressure, begin rejecting their backgrounds and seek out the popular culture that their friends are embracing. As I got older, even though I didn’t have many Latin friends, I never lost my appreciation for salsa and merengue. I craved for more Spanish music. As technology started evolving, and personal music devices advanced, there was always a salsa or merengue playlist on it. There were just some songs that stuck with me over decades that were a necessary staple on my iPods. Most of the songs I will be listing out will be salsa or merengue, but there are a few staples that need to be mentioned that do not fall under this genre.

Selena- Como La Flor 

Speaking frankly, no Latin playlist is complete without Selena. It is disrespectful to her memory to claim that you have an appreciation to Latin music and not have one of her many hits on your playlist. Selena is still known as the Queen of Tejano Music and her songs of love and flirting are still widely listened to despite her passing over 15 years ago. Most of her songs fall under the genre of Cumbia, but she was an important part of both American and Hispanic culture, that it is important for a Hispanic American, like myself, to include her in your playlist. Additionally, Como La Flor is Selena’s first song to hit Platinum, this is a must have on your Latin playlist because of its beautiful analogy. Selena’s song compares a withered flower to a lost love, and it is beautifully written. Any person who has loved and lost can appreciate the romantic language and analogy, which makes it a Latin playlist must have!

Marc Anthony- Vivir Mi Vida 

Marc Anthony is known as the King of Salsa, and his musical crown is appropriately given. While I have been exposed to many different salsa artists, none sticks out like Marc Anthony. My grandmother used to say, “Marc Anthony sure is ugly, but he has the voice of an angel.” I laughed every time I heard her say this, but she was right, his beauty comes from his voice and lyrics, which is exactly what I fell in love with. I could listen to all his albums on repeat and never get tired of listening to them (his looks did not matter to me). Vivir Mi Vida is unique because it’s not about love, but life. This song’s message is simple, go out there and live your life, and don’t let the bad times interfere with it. Marc Anthony does a good job of making his song and message lighthearted, catchy, and danceable. This is a must have on a Latinx’s playlist because it is important to remember that you need to enjoy and live life no matter how difficult it can get.

Elvis Crespo- Suavemente

Suavemente is a song that everyone that has heard of and danced to, which makes is a necessary staple to your Latin playlist. Whenever you attend a Latin party, it is a guarantee that you will be listening to Suavemente. I remember for my Quinceañera, I specifically requested the DJ play this song because it was a song that both my American and Hispanic friends could dance to. This merengue hit went Platinum in 1998 and persists as one of the most listened to songs in Latin culture. The reason I believe this song is so popular is because of its easy danceability. When it comes to Hispanic parties, you always want your guests dancing, which is probably why you always hear Suavemente at them.

Celia Cruz- La Vida es Un Carnaval

If you grew up watching Telemundo like me, you know of the dancing woman who would sing “Azucar!” You loved her because her simple “Azucar” sent a message to enjoy the sweeter things in life. Celia Cruz is an artist that is from an older generation, but nevertheless important. She was known as the Queen of Salsa or Latin Music and made a huge impact on Spanish culture. She inspired modern day artists like Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez. Marc Anthony had many tributes to her in his music and when receiving awards. For example, in his song Valio La Pena, he references Celia in a lighthearted manner, he says: “Como dice Celia/ My English is not very good looking.” I also imagine that Marc Anthony’s song, Vivir Mi Vida was inspired by La Vida es un Carnaval. Celia’s song is about how it is important to live like it’s a carnival and not dwell on the bad things that happen in life. At the end she also makes sure to denounce things war and weapons. She was an important force that wanted to make a change in the world. No matter what, Celia reminds you to enjoy life, no matter what is thrown at you, which is why she is a necessary addition to any Latin playlist.

Son By Four- A Puro Dolor 

Son by Four is more of an unknown band, which is a rarity to begin with, as most Spanish artists prefer solo careers. Son by Four’s most popular song is, A Puro Dolor, which has several different versions, including a ballad and another in salsa. This song is a must have on my playlist less for the artists and more the memories that I have attached to it. This was a song that my father always played when we drove somewhere. After he left, it still stuck around in a good way. This is my brother’s favorite salsa song, which says a lot since he doesn’t listen to older Spanish music the way I do. Whenever my mom, brother and I are spending time together, we always put it on so we can sing it together. On a more objective level, the song speaks on rejection in a pretty and melancholic way. Since the theme is so accessible, because rejection is something that everyone has experienced, it’s probably the reason why it is such a popular song in the Latin community.

Luis Enrique- Yo No Se Manana 

Luis Enrique is known as the Prince of Salsa and received widespread recognition with Yo No Se Manana. Luis Enrique is best known for romantic salsa. I have listened to Yo No Se Manana many times over the course of my life, and while it is subtle, I believe he is speaking on a one-time romantic encounter. He sings how he doesn’t want to promise anything for tomorrow, because we don’t know what will happen. Maybe they will love or hate one another, who knows? The point is that they need to enjoy and live in the moment (which is what most of the song is about). This song will always make it onto my playlist because like Marc Anthony’s Vivir Mi Vida and Celia Cruz’s La Vida es un Carnaval, it speaks on life. Luis Enrique is right, we have no idea what will happen tomorrow, and people can relate. His romantic analogies of life being like an unwritten book (meaning we haven’t made decisions) and a roulette (taking chance) are quite stirring.

 

While I did my best to create a playlist this encapsulates both my childhood and the Latinx culture, it only scratches the surface. does not truly cover everything. Speaking honestly, I struggled with cutting down my playlist that has persisted over the years.There are many other artists that I wished I could’ve included in this list, such as, Jennifer Lopez, Johnny Rivera, Jerry Rivera, and Enrique Iglesias. However, when it came down to it, I wanted to keep my list of the songs I have had over the course of most of my life.

I am a stubborn person, and I acknowledge that my 90’s soul has kept me from listening to more modern Spanish (and English) music. However, for the Latinx community (not just myself), all these songs mean something to us. They are a part of our culture, overall being and have had an important impact on our lives. Simply put, these songs are a part of us.

The phantom limb

I cut out my tongue, now I keep it in my pocket. For safekeeping. I ripped out my voice and I put it in a book, as storage. All that is left is a phantom tongue and voice that I use to lie with. I have become a dummy for the people, suppressing who I am, and lying to the people around me to preserve their smiles. “Are you still talking to him? Your father?” “No mom.” “Are you coming to see me soon?” “Yes dad.” “Are you having sex or burning inside?” “No church.” “Do you love us?” Of Course I love you all.” I have learned how to become a liar, a liar with the purest intentions. To preserve the spirit of those around me. Assume that everything I tell you is a lie, a facetious story to keep you all smiling. If you want the real truth then you have to listen to my music. 

 

War Zone

Question: “Are you still talking to him? Your father”

Answer: “No mom”

Truth: Yo whatup? It is Jerome

Sorry I can’t come to the phone 

Don’t call my house cuz i’m not home 

I stepped out to the War Zone 

This song War Zone i wrote back in like 2016-17 after my father was released from prison. He always wanted to reestablish his relationship with my sister and I. However my mother wouldn’t allow it. I understand why she did give him nineteen years of her life and in those years this was his third time in prison in spite of her trying to help him change his behavior. It wasn’t until after we left that he got the message and began to improve himself. When my mother found out that him and I were talking, she was livid and saw this as an act of betrayal on my part. I spent my nights in isolation and my days hearing the sobs of my mother crying to God because I didn’t want to choose between my parents. The chorus of War zone is supposed to represent a voicemail message left to my father by me. I used my middle in the song because my dad is the only person who calls me Jerome, allowing him to know that I am speaking directly to him. In this message I’m telling him that I can’t come to the phone anymore because I officially entered the “war zone”. Which is an internal space where I battle the two parts of me. In the verse is where I actually tell the truth stating, 

Tbh this is breaking my heart 

I never want to choose between my dad and my mom 

It get hard

It’s like every time i sit in my car 

I wanna drive back but i never make it that far.

Question: Are you coming to see me soon 

Answer: Yes dad 

Truth: In my heart, in my song, with my pen, I told him the truth. I’ve already said goodbye. 

One Sparrow

Question: “Are you having sex or buring on the inside?” 

Answer: “No, church”

Truth: Dealing in deceit 

Im tryna take you to the back room 

Thow on them sheets 

And get your body out that bathrobe 

Bendin on my knees

To feel you Tug all on my afro 

Hoes cant talk to me 

I got my eye all on one sparrow 

Yeeeaaa church, I don’t know how you would interpret this, but this is the type of music that I write. I would imagine the imagery of ripping my girls clothes off is a nono and would qualify as “burning”. The good news is that I’m only thinking about her, the bad news is I think about this and we are not married yet, I know. Maybe i’ll show you this song after i’m married, but for now I’m going to stay, “Dealing in deceit” because I know first hand where honesty gets you in this church. 

Intentions 

Question: “Do you love us?”

Answer: “Ofcourse”

Truth: My question is who is “us”?!?! My Mother? My Father? My Church? My Girlfriend? 

Do you like me? Or do you love me?

Wanna kiss me Or just hug me

Will you ride Until I die

I can’t say that I’m surprised

I question your intentions…

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would love me if I stated my opinion on things. I wonder if my “go with the flow” type of attitude is my biggest liability even though I paint it as my biggest asset. If I told my mother that I want a relationship with my father, would she hate me like she hates him? If I told my pops that I may never come back to visit him, will he continue to reach out to me? If I tell my church how much I burn inside, would my image be tarnished? If I asked my girlfriend to marry me now, would she say yes? If I told everyone that asked me if I loved them, that my love comes with questions, would they request that I stop loving them? 

 

Some of these questions I may never have the answer to because that requires me to express my truth. Unfortunately, the truth cannot be told with this phantom tongue. I even lied to you guys. The truth is, I had a tongue. I hid it in my pen after it was violently torn out of my mouth. I had a voice as well. I printed it on paper after it was beaten out of me. And they burned it. On my back yard in my grill. They burned my tongue and voice until it was reduced to ashes and to this day I have never recovered. So now I speak with what is left, a phantom limb smiling and conforming. So that my new music like “One Sparrow” and “Intentions” won’t end up like “War Zone”. Burned to a crisp and reduced to ashes by those who say they love me.