Each assignment within this portfolio, allowed me to access parts of myself that I was unaware of before. With Lil Peep’s album review, it was my first time writing about music or Lil Peep. While I have many emotions about his passing and his death, I never thought to write about it or express openly how his music made me feel. I have written reviews on books and television shows before but never an actual album for an artist. The same could be said for my Memoir Mixtape, Pandemia. That assignment pushed me to check in with myself about feelings I didn’t know existed before choosing to write about the subject. It revealed to me that there is still much healing that needs to be done after the year I experienced in 2020. The same could be said for my radio show, “Doja Radio Special”, because it allowed me to do something fun that also helped reinforce my love for recording myself and hearing myself speak. It also made me feel curious about doing podcasts or future radio shows using the Audacity app. All of these assignments are included in my final portfolio as a testament to my growth throughout the semester.
Come Over When You’re Sober Pt.1 – Album Review
Over the years, the opioid crisis has taken the lives of many talented artists way too soon, particularly one whose death still stings within the music community – Lil Peep. Four years ago, Peep released his first and only album to be released while he was alive, Come Over When You’re Sober Pt. 1. Exactly three months from the album’s release death, he would overdose from a toxic combination of Xanax and Fentanyl. And while he lost his life during the height of his career, this album remains a testament to Peep’s imprint within the music industry and also the need to address the opioid crisis that continues to affect the world today.
Peep stands in alignment with the likes of artists like Kurt Cobain and Tupac Shakur, because like these legends, he created a sound which was unlike others in his generation. He transcended the stereotypes of “Soundcloud rapper” and created a refreshing version of hip hop/rap/trap mixed with grunge/punk rock: something the industry has never seen or heard before.
Come Over When You’re Sober Pt. 1, begins with “Benz Truck”, filled with the melodic riffs and raspy whispers of Peep. This song speaks to his entrance into the industry, stating “Getting to the cake now, / All the hate don’t phase me, /All the money that I make now, I’ll never let it change me.” The lyrics are haunting because it speaks to Peep’s substance abuse, when he sings “Drugs in my nose, good drugs in my cup” but at the same time, you can’t help but smile at Peep’s finesse with this track. His ad-libs of “skrrt” in the background alongside his sultry sounds of his voice in the background of the chorus, convey how versatile Peep’s sound was as an artist.
“Save That Shit”, my favorite track on the album, is a catchy song that speaks to the tortures of enduring a relationship while being at war with yourself. He sings and raps, “Fuck my life, can’t save that girl,/Don’t tell me you could save that shit”, expressing how hopeless he feels about being saved by his lover while also hyping himself up singing “Nothing like them other motherfuckers,/I can make you rich”. The song embodies the duality that Peep often expresses in his songs: feeling hopeless and depressed while also realizing what a treasure he is to those who have the pleasure of encountering him.
A similar theme is apparent in “Awful Things”, but instead, Peep seems to embrace a more submissive tone to his lover. “Bother me, tell me awful things/You know I love it when you do that/Helps me get through this without you” is his way of expressing a willingness to be abused by his love, as long as she gives him the time of day. The song features fellow GothBoiClique member, Lil Tracy, who has previously collaborated with Peep in his earlier projects. The opening riffs of “Awful Things”, bring me back to the days of listening to Blink-182’s self-titled album, as Peep embodies a similar sound but embraces a newer feel to this style of music.
“U Said” is the most versatile track of the album because it embodies Peep’s ability to produce a mournful melodic sound while also demonstrating his ability to have agency as a rapper. The song is split into two parts, with the first expressing his regret for falling in love while acknowledging his part in why a relationship didn’t work out. “I wish I didn’t have a heart to love you,/I wish I didn’t play a part to break you,/I wish I didn’t do a lot of the shit I do” but in the second part of the track, he switches to “Sometimes life gets fucked up,/That’s why we get fucked up,/I can still feel your touch,/I still do those same drugs”. Peep conveys the message that life presents it’s challenges and that at times, being high is a means of coping with said challenges.
The next track, “Better Off (Dying)” embraces a chilling feel to listen to posthumously, with Peep belting out the lyrics “You don’t wanna cry now, better off dying” while belting out “Even if I try hard, I ain’t gonna make it/We ain’t gonna make it”. While Peep is expressing to a lover that he’s better off dying, it is evident that to listener’s that this was far from the truth.
“The Brightside”, incorporates an essence of trap with heavy guitar riffs throughout the beat, with Peep delivering seductive vocals about his yearning for a lover while realizing that what he has with her isn’t love at all. The song explores themes of “I gotta look at the bright side, I guess she wasn’t the one, right?/This isn’t what love’s like,/That’s for sure”, is Peep’s way of honoring the song “Mr. Brightside” by rock band, The Killers, also adding his personal touch to the message of the track.
The album ends with “Problems”, possibly the most haunting song on the album in light of his untimely passing. It presents irony because he sings that he “spent a lot of time in the background”, although this song was released during his rise to fame. It details his feelings of isolation and loneliness while struggling with addiction: “Took a pill and we passed out,/ I made a deal with the devil”. The track incorporates influences of Peep’s signature melodic raps with a dazed undertone of existential suffering.
Overall, the project allows Peep to make his signature mark in the industry and capture the essence of his versatility as a musician. Most of Peep’s lyrics capture the struggles of drug abuse but also sheds light on the bigger implications of mental health and wellness. Peep set the tone for the genre of “emo-rap” but also demonstrated that if he could create a new sub-genre, then future artists can too. The album is tragic poetry that hypnotizes the listeners but also dictates how the brightest stars can diminish too soon. He captured the ears and hearts of his current generation and left behind a blue-print for future artists to come.
Pandemia
I’ve always been into sci-fi and dystopian media – but who actually thought I’d be living it? The COVID pandemic is one of the most challenging experiences I have ever witness and endured in my life. I can’t recall ever wearing a face mask prior to 2020. Hand sanitizers were a thing I carried in my purse as a luxury – not a necessity. Some people say the death of Kobe Bryant was in an indicator of the times. Others think it was when Meghan Markle and Prince Harry had their “BREXIT”. But who can really say?
“Pandemia” was what my mother-in-law called it. Others called it “The ‘Rona”. Especially young new Yorkers – you know we are quick to coin a phrase for everything. Regardless of the name, it affected you in some way, somehow. This mixtape has tracks that evoke memories of various moments I experienced during the COVID 2020 Pandemic. Each song symbolizes a pivotal moment throughout my experience in 2020 and also gives intimate details into my personal life as well. This wasn’t easy to write but it’s a truth that I needed to face and may also resonate with what many people have dealt with in the past year too.
Yesterday – The Beatles / “Yesterday (Cover) by Billie Eilish and Finneas, performed at the 2020 Oscars
Who could forget the haunting dreamy whispers of Billie Eilish singing “Yesterday” at the Oscars?
“Yesterday – All my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
Oh, I believe, in yesterday”, she recites as Kobe Bryant’s face flashes across the screen. I cried watching this performance, not only because it was the “In Memoriam” portion of the show but in disbelief that Kobe Bryant had died two weeks before with his daughter in a helicopter crash. During this time, COVID seemed like a boogeyman – something discussed in the news occasionally but nothing that anyone had actually witnessed firsthand just yet. Not in the United States, anyway. The parallels to the lyrics are uncanny because during this time, COVID had not entered the country yet. Who knew that weeks later, New York would become the epicenter of the virus, shutting down schools, businesses and so much more.
“Suddenly, I’m not the half the man I used to be.
There’s a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.”
War – Pop Smoke, Lil TJay
It February 2020 and the beginning of my first semester at Queens College (QC). This was my go-to song to bump while heading onto campus each day. The whole act of starting my BA program at QC felt like preparing for war. I’d get myself geared up every morning for a 9:15 class — Air pods in, Doc Martens on, running in an oversized purple puffer coat two sizes too big – (because I was four months pregnant and couldn’t fit into anything else.)
I had no idea how to navigate the campus and had received no formal orientation – so it was just me and my iPhone each day, learning how to navigate the campus with GPS. I downloaded the app for the Queens College shuttle bus schedule, which worked only when it wanted to. So sometimes I’d be waiting at the bus stop for half an hour or more, in the heart of Winter, wondering when the bus was coming to pick me up. There were some mornings where I got off at a stop too early. Or got off at a point where I had to enter the campus from the library entrance instead of the front of the building. For some reason, hearing Pop Smoke’s raspy vocals:
“I don’t get mad, I get money.
What you looking at, little dummy?
I start buckin’ teeth like I’m Bunny
and I back the Wraith out for nothin”,
cracked me up every time and always shifted my mood for the better. Three weeks into the semester, Pop would get shot to death by a 15-year-old burglar who entered his home. It was surreal when the video surfaced online the morning as I was headed to school. Pop was being carried out on a stretcher, his arm hanging limply while EMTs were transporting him to the ambulance. Less than 24 hours after accidentally posting his location online, a teenager would break into his home, shoot him as he was taking a shower and leave him for dead. Who would’ve thought that one of New York’s most promising artists would’ve gotten killed at 19? Crazy. Perhaps this should’ve been a sign of the times back then, too – because New York went on lockdown shortly after.
You’re Somebody Else – flora cash
News of the pandemic became more frequent on the news. I watched as some of the strongest people I knew became terrified of what was coming. My husband and mother in law would come home discussing what they were seeing at the hospitals. I’d hear from my mom the stories about her co-workers getting sick and being forced to quarantine in their homes. School transitioned to online learning and everyone was unsure of what was to come.
“You look like yourself,
But you’re somebody else,
Only it ain’t on the surface”
This song premiered on a show I binge watched on Netflix to distract myself from the pandemic called Locke and Key. The lyrics rang true as I watched the people and places that I loved change rapidly around me. My family members urged me to stay inside because I was considered high risk due to pregnancy. No one knew how COVID could affect an unborn child. No one knew exactly how the virus spread. I went out one afternoon anyway to pick up a few things from the grocery store, wearing gloves and a mask over my face. It was eerie going to the grocery stores and seeing the empty shelves. Toilet paper, paper towels and ramen were nowhere to be found.
Some evenings, I would sit with my husband and mother in law, trying to figure out what we should buy in case there was a shortage. Strategizing the best days and times to try going to Costco or Target to buy diapers, baby wipes, amongst other things — because they were completely sold out everywhere.
Every Single Thing – HOMESHAKE
It was April 1st when my husband found out he had COVID. I remember feeling nervous when the results came into his phone via email from his job. I was in our bedroom while he was in the living room, where he had been waiting for the past nine hours waiting for the results. He Facetimed me from the living room to let me know that the results were positive.
Positive for COVID-19.
My mind was racing – trying to re-trace our interactions over the past few days. This is what they now call “contact tracing”. I didn’t know if I had caught it myself. Or if Micah, our 1 year old, had it. Or what to expect if we did get sick. Or what would happen to Morris – would he make it or was this the end?
I immediately called my mom to tell her the news and she didn’t hesitate before instructing me to come over. My mother in law agreed – that it wouldn’t be safe for us to stay there. Not for Micah. Or myself. Or our unborn baby. I packed everything as quickly as I could before leaving the apartment for what would be two months.
Yes –
Two.
Months.
“Feeling so out of touch, Staying inside too much. Introducing all these hands but I’m out of luck.”
Come Thru (with Usher) – Summer Walker ft Usher
I’d call Morris throughout the day but sometimes he wouldn’t answer.
He was feeling too tired. Or too sick.
I didn’t know if I was calling too much.
Or if I wasn’t calling enough.
I was seeing so many homeopathic remedies being suggested online – respiratory steams to help him breathe better. Herbs to loosen the mucus in his chest. My mother sent over a garlic/honey mixture as well as a new asthma pump in hopes that it would help.
But he wouldn’t bother.
He said,
“You should be careful giving out all of this advice, you’re not a doctor.”
I found myself feeling frustrated.
And sad.
And exhausted.
And alone. Very much alone.
I spent the first two weeks in my mother’s house with a mask on, keeping Micah and myself in my brother’s old bedroom. We wouldn’t talk much when she was home unless I was standing outside of her bedroom. Or through text messages.
There were so many narratives swirling online and on the news about the virus. No one knew what to believe. From doctors coming out stating that the virus was “Fake” to the viral “Plandemic” videos, to disputes over how the virus was actually spread.
We went through several bottles of Lysol wipes and latex gloves, scrubbing down everything bought in the stores. My mind was in a daze. From baby kicks to sleepless nights — All I wanted was to be home.
And after May came, I was.
I Like Him – Princess Nokia
July 20th, the morning of my anniversary, Liam was ready to come into the world.
Morris was the only one allowed to come with me to the hospital for delivery. No other family members. Or friends.
Just my partner.
And me.
The hospital a different experience this time around, with me wearing a mask the entire time and being rushed into the hospital. The line went outside of the door, with people waiting to be let inside.
I left the house at 8 and by 5pm, he was here.
Liam was a beautiful little bean, 7 pounds exactly. With Micah, they carried him away to clean him before giving him back to me. But with Liam, I held him right away.
When I brought him home, I made an Instagram story with this song playing in the clip, zooming in on his face while he was sleeping.
“I like him, I like him too. He my man, he my boo.
He my type, he’s so cute. I want him, and I want him too.”
He was precious and absolutely perfect – a silver lining in the midst of the chaos.
The calm after a storm.
Just Like Heaven – The Cure
And just like that – things have shifted again. My father in law passes away from COVID in El Salvador. The airports and borders are closed, and no one is able to travel to attend the funeral service.
It was a difficult time for everyone. It still is.
Avenue Beat – F2020
We had a socially distanced Thanksgiving.
And Christmas.
Spent New Year’s at home watching the ball drop and exchanging text messages to family members, sending well wishes for the new year.
Yet, there’s an eerie undertone to it all.
To see Times Square on TV completely empty and desolate.
To hear and see all of the businesses shuttered throughout the city from the virus.
Some of them closing down for good. Some requesting assistance to help them re-open.
To know that there is still so much work to be done – to heal the world (and ourselves) after what we have witnessed in the past twelve months. There’s a sense of comfort that 2020 is over but also a lingering question of what truly lies ahead.
TikTok had a NYE special on the app and played some of their most viral songs for the year.
This was one of them.
This mixtape was a road of self-discovery and made me realize that there have been some serious moments that I’ve experienced throughout this pandemic. I think of my story and then wonder about the millions of other stories of others. I wonder how this pandemic has affected them, too. And how they are coping. And if they are okay.
An edited version of Miss A Radio. I altered some of the tracks of myself where my voice was too low so that the audio is much clearer this time.
I dedicate my portfolio to Micah and Liam.
They are my little angels and the driving force for everything that I do in this life.
I also dedicate it to my family, my friends, teachers and mentors who have assisted me throughout this entire process in motherhood, my academic career and through the pandemic. I don’t know how I could have done it without all of you.
