A Musical Time Capsule: My Portfolio
Intro
I was skeptical about taking this course when I heard it would be about writing about popular music. I am not trendy. I am not entirely up to do with modern fads or the latest popular doodads and what not’s. I can’t tell the difference between Lil Nas X or Lil Uzi because I have no idea who they are. However, I do know who Lil Jon is – what? Yeah. Okay. I didn’t think I could keep up with the class if it meant digging deep into today’s popular artists and musicians. I also didn’t want to be judged for my musical interests. It’s really hard to tell someone that I like Eminem because they immediately believe I’m homophobic or that I abuse women. It’s hard to tell people I was a fan of Marilyn Manson from late 2002 until 2007 because they believe I am ready to be the next school shooter – it also doesn’t help that he was recently accused of harming and raping women. System of a Down is so long ago that most of the younger crowd hardly knows them or who they are so why bother to explain that I enjoyed their music for a short time?
I went into this course with nothing to bring to the table and no pattern on what my work might be about because of the fear of being judged. When I heard about record club, I was even more concerned because I wasn’t sure what to present to the class. I had no options for record club the day I was set to present. Any idea I had meant that I would potentially lose the ability to tell a story later on if we had to write about music. I debated for days and had no clue what to present. It was down to the wire and I ended up flustered with no ideas. The idea hit me while watching television.
Earlier in the summer, I had started yet another binge watch of The Sopranos. I had a tradition of watching The Sopranos every September since the show ended on June 7th of 2007. During my most recent binge of the show, I lost track because of work and class. I decided to relieve some stress by finishing the episode I had last watched. The ending of the episode saw Tony egg his sister on until she attacked him. He casually walks out of her home and we had that guitar beat kick in. It was a live version of The Kinks “I’m Not Like Everybody Else.” It was my favorite closing scene of the entire series and it was all because of Tony’s demeanor as he walked out of the house while that song played. It was at that moment I realized I needed to use that song for record club. I did not want to use anything modern, as I did not know much about modern music. I didn’t want to use an artist that might offends others. This song was perfect because I could relate to lyrics. That was how my idea for record club came to fruition.
It was real easy to write an album review when I had heard that Eminem’s “Til’ I Collapse” had reached a streaming milestone around the time this course began. The Eminem Show is my favorite album by Eminem. I will even go so far as to argue that The Eminem Show and The Marshall Mathers L.P. are both my number choices for favorite albums by Eminem. However, I am more partial to The Eminem Show because it was his first album I bought upon its release since I had only became a fan of his in December of 2001. When The Eminem Show released, I played it on loop for hours on end and learned all the lyrics within a week or so. I sang along with that album for so long that my friends got tired of it, and me, quickly. I knew that album backwards and forwards and it streaming milestone was coincidental but had excellent timing.
The radio station project was another difficult project to bring to life because I didn’t have enough ideas. Originally, I wanted to use songs about being stalked or watched. I have no privacy at home and had a few ideas to use regarding the radio station. The following is a list of songs I originally wanted to use for this idea:
- “Eye in the Sky” by The Alan Parsons Project
- “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockell
- “The Hellion/Electric Eye” by Judas Priest.
- “Every Breath You Take” by The Police
At this point, I ran out of songs to use and had no way to fill a 60-minute radio station. Instead, I decided to make the radio station autobiographical. Being autobiographical gave me more freedom to choose an abundance of songs and have stories attached to them. I had no idea about the final project being a memoir mix tape. I didn’t even know what a memoir mix tape was. If I had been aware of the final project being what it was, I probably would not have made the radio station the way I did. The radio station was a challenge because I was once told I “have a face for radio and a voice fit for silent films.” It took me several hours of recording and deleting my voice before I sat down and compiled a script to read from. Even then, I was nervous and stammered frequently until I made it at least halfway decent.
The memoir mix tape was easy to work with because I had so many ideas left over from the radio station. Originally, I had roughly two and a half hours worth of material for the radio station left over. It became abundantly clear to me that I could use that material in my mix tape. I even went so far as to make a list of a few years where I heard a lot of new music and thought of using only those years in particular. This was by far my favorite project and the perfect continuation/sequel to the radio station.
Record Club: I’m Not Like Everybody (Live 1994) By The Kinks
I want to be honest and begin by saying that I struggled to find the “right” song for Record Club. I know music is subjective and what is right for me may not necessarily be right for someone else. I know that some music is not for everyone. I also struggled with the idea of posting a song that sends a positive message or that bring light to issues we still face today. It was tough to come up with a song. The song “I’m Not Like Everybody Else” by The Kinks was not my first choice. The song itself was definitely on my list of songs to use for Record Club but it was actually my third or fourth choice. As cliché as it will sound, in the end I decided to go with this song because I didn’t want to be like everyone else. Deciding which version of the song to use was much easier.
The song was originally released as a B-Side to the single “Sunny Afternoon” in 1966. The original version of “I’m Not Like Everybody Else” runs at roughly three minutes and twenty-nine seconds. This version of the song has a much faster tempo and has a more upbeat tone that embodies the Pop sound of 1960’s Rock. The version I used for Record Club is a live version recorded during The Kinks US and UK tours in 1993 and 1994 and released on the album To The Bone. The live version is slightly reworked with an extended intro and some changes or modifications to some lyrics. The intro to the song contains an instrumental that begins seventeen seconds into the track and runs at just about one minute and sixteen seconds and also extends the outro with a roughly one minute long instrumental. The whole track contains a slower tempo and the instrumental intro provides a more gritty sound as the lead guitar plays the main riff with a rougher sound that is more typical of the music scene of the 1990’s. The vocals are incredibly different as well. Ray Davies’ live vocals sort of compliment the lyrics of the song. Ray Davies voice sound more mature and at times sounds almost raspy or hoarse especially when he sings the chorus versus the more relaxed tone of the individual verses. Fans have speculated that the reason Ray Davies sound was different was because of tension within the band that may have been attributed to a decline in their commercial success.
I chose “I’m Not Like Everybody Else” because of how much the lyrics resonate with me. I live in a toxic environment where I have often been compared to others who, in my opinion, are not exactly as desirable as some may believe. Far too often I was surrounded by people who demanded I do things as they say; get the job they demanded or listen to the music they demanded or dress how they demanded and in truth, for most of my life I felt like I did not and sometimes still don’t have my own identity. I first heard this song way back in 2004 when it played during the end credits of the Sopranos season five episode “Cold Cuts.” The scene shows Tony instigate an argument with his sister Janice. She chases him around her dinner table with a fork as her husband stops her. Tony smiles, and walks out of Janice’s home when the song begins. There was something about the song itself and the lyrics that set such a juxtaposing tone to the scene. Here we see Tony walking down the block while a woman rakes her front lawn, a man walks his dog, two teenage boys walk past Tony while a couple power walks in the background. We the viewers know that Tony is definitely not like everybody else. I thought the scene was brilliant and immediately downloaded the song. It wasn’t until a few years later when I actually read the lyrics that I realized the song was very much anti-conformity and defiant and it felt like my personal problems at home were written in this track.
Terms Used:
Tempo: The speed of the rhythm of a composition. https://www.freemusicdictionary.com/definition/tempo/
Tone: An interval consisting of two semitones, that is a whole step. The particular sound of an instrument or voice, as well as the performer’s particular coloring of that sound. https://www.freemusicdictionary.com/definition/tone/
Intro: opening section. https://www.freemusicdictionary.com/definition/intro/
Outro: a short, distinct closing section at the end of something (such as a piece of music, a performance, or a news report) https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/outro
Lead Guitar: The part played by a guitar soloist in a rock band. https://www.freemusicdictionary.com/definition/lead-guitar/
Riff: In pop and jazz compositions, a short ostinato, two to four bars long. A riff is a prominent feature of jazz music. a short musical phrase in jazz or blues. it may be repeated often during a piece, with changes to the key, rhythm or melody<br><br>A short melody repeatedly played in a tune often with variation between vocal lines. https://www.freemusicdictionary.com/definition/riff/
Verse: Solo passage from the Gradual which precedes the response. See respond. In poetry or song, a verse is a group of lines which constitutes a unit. Often there are several verses in a single text, and usually the rhyme scheme, rhythm, and number of poetic lines and feet are the same from verse to verse in a single text. a line or stanza. https://www.freemusicdictionary.com/definition/verse/
Genre:
Pop: Pop is a genre of popular music that originated in its modern form during the mid-1950s in the United States and the United Kingdom. The terms popular music and pop music are often used interchangeably, although the former describes all music that is popular and includes many disparate styles. During the 1950s and 1960s, pop encompassed rock and roll and the youth-oriented styles it influenced. Rock and pop remained roughly synonymous until the late 1960s, after which pop became associated with music that was more commercial, ephemeral, and accessible. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pop_music
Rock: Rock music is a broad genre of popular music that originated as “rock and roll” in the United States in the late 1940s and early 1950s, developing into a range of different styles in the mid-1960s and later, particularly in the United States and the United Kingdom. It has its roots in 1940s and 1950s rock and roll, a style that drew heavily from the genres of blues, rhythm and blues, and from country music. Rock music also drew strongly from a number of other genres such as electric blues and folk, and incorporated influences from jazz, classical, and other musical styles. Like pop music, lyrics often stress romantic love but also address a wide variety of other themes that are frequently social or political. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_music
Album Review: The Eminem Show (2002)
“’Til I collapse I’m spillin’ these raps long as you feel ’em
‘Til the day that I drop you’ll never say that I’m not killin’ ’em
‘Cause when I am not, then I’ma stop pennin’ ’em”
Eminem, “Til I Collapse”
Racist. Misogynistic. Homophobic. “G.O.A.T.” For over 22 years, Eminem has been no stranger to various labels – both positive and negative. Although he released his debut album, Infinite, in 1996, Eminem did not become a household name until 1999 with the release of The Slim Shady L.P. Under the guidance of Dr. Dre, Eminem went on to reach worldwide critical fame and commercial success with hits such as “My Name Is” and “Guilty Conscience”. The success continued with the 2000 release The Marshall Mathers L.P. featuring the hits “The Way I Am” and “The Real Slim Shady.” However, along with all the fame and success, controversy and personal drama soon followed.
By the end of 2000, the name “Eminem” became synonymous with controversy. The Slim Shady L.P. landed Eminem in two high profile lawsuits; one of which was against his mother, Debbie Mathers. The Marshall Mathers L.P. resulted in Eminem being at odds with (former) Second Ladies of the United States, Lynn Chaney and Tipper Gore regarding censorship of his lyrical content. On June 4th 2001, Eminem was arrested on gun charges. The arrest came two weeks prior the release of D12’s debut album, Devil’s Night, which was executively produced by and also featured Eminem. In September 2001, production began on the film 8 Mile with Eminem starring in the lead role. Although he found himself at what seemed like insurmountable odds, Eminem’s fame and success seemed undeterred by all the chaos.
The Eminem Show released on May 26th 2002 and featured Eminem in more of a production role. The album debuted at number on the US Billboard charts and went on to sell 1.3 million copies by the end of the second week. The lyrical content of The Eminem Show saw a drastic change from previous albums and collaboration. The Slim Shady L.P. had a vibe that was very satirical, comedic and horror based. The Marshall Mathers L.P. greatly reduced some of the horror themes while The Marshall Mather L.P. saw Eminem more focused on lyrical precision and word play. The Eminem Show was more far more political and deeply personal.
The Eminem Show opens up with the track “White America.” The song takes aim at American politicians and parents who want to further censor the music industry. White America begins with Eminem taking a deep breath and screaming “America” at the top of his lungs. Not only is he calling out politicians and critics, he is also putting the rest of the country on notice. Eminem voices his anger at politicians for over analyzing his lyrics and makes the claim that politicians and parents never cared for rap until Eminem became a household name. He states the reason they’re trying to censor him is because he is white. Overall the tone of this song is very angry and rebellious. For fans, this is your everyday Eminem song. But to politicians, this could be seen as a call to arms. At the end of the song, Eminem states that he is “the ringleader of worthless pawns sent to lead the march up the steps of Congress” which eerily enough seemed a prediction of the January 6th 2021 attempted insurrection on the US Capitol. The irony of such a lyrics and the events of January 6th would be lost on those same politicians and critics who criticized Eminem.
Fans had already been introduced to Eminem’s private life in previous albums and many collaborations. “Stan’s” knew of Eminem’s personal problems with his alleged drug addicted mother. We all knew about Eminem and Kim’s volatile relationship – so far so that Eminem even went and enacted killing Kim and kidnapping his daughter, Hailie, in two separate tracks on two separate albums – The Slim Shady L.P. “97 Bonnie and Clyde” being the sequel to The Marshall Mathers L.P.’s “Kim.” However, with The Eminem Show, Eminem gives us incite on his 2001 arrest. Eminem also gives his opinions on his mothers recent lawsuit and further insight into his upbringing.
“Cleaning Out My Closet” is the first of several tracks to delve deeper into the private world of Marshall Mathers. Eminem describes how his father was nonexistent after abandoning his family when Eminem was only a couple of months old. Eminem then contrasts by stating that he would never leave his daughter no matter what Kim and him went through. Eminem describes his upbringing and how his mother, Debbie, moved them from home to home throughout his childhood and how he was possibly a victim of Münchausen’s Syndrome. Eminem makes note that his half brother, Nathan, is not perfectly fine without Debbie in his life. Eminem even makes reference to how Debbie once told him she wished he had died instead of her brother, Ronnie. Eminem concludes the song but letting Debbie know that Hailie is getting older but that Debbie will never know Hailie and she won’t even be at Debbie’s funeral. Prior to this album we knew that Eminem had issues with his mother, but this song puts all those issues to the forefront and makes it as personal as possible.
Eminem takes us deep into the concealed weapons charge he faced a year prior to the release of this album. The skit “The Kiss” is a prologue reenacting the events of the night Eminem was arrested. Eminem shows us that he was with his friend in car. Based on their conversation, we can infer that they were parked outside of nightclub waiting for someone. As the skit continues, we hear Eminem refer to a woman kissing a bouncer. The skit ends with Eminem running out of the car while his friend chases him. The skit immediately leads into the song “Soldier.” “Soldier” is part one of the bigger story regarding the charge. Soldier is a regular rap track that Eminem is known for, but he hints in a number of lines how he was arrested for “weapon concealing” and “pistol-whippin’ motherfucking bouncers.” The end of the track flows into the next song, “Say Goodbye to Hollywood” which opens up immediately after the hinted events of “Soldier.”
“Say Goodbye to Hollywood” begins with the sounds of sires, jingling keys, and the sounds of car doors slamming. This track sheds more light into the arrest. Eminem’s tone is more melancholy that usual. He comes off very remorseful in this song. He details how he assumed that he could have worked things out with Kim but in the end, she left him while he fought off 30 people in front of the club. This track also shows that Eminem still doesn’t like the fame that he has gained but instead of being pissed off at the fan that hound him, he wishes that he was better at other things such as math and also states that his fame has forced his family to feel alienated. “Say Goodbye” shows us a very vulnerable Eminem.
Hailie’s Song” show us a side of Eminem we have never seen before. In this song, he is actually singing to Hailie . While “Say Goodbye to Hollywood” shows us a remorseful Eminem, “Hailie’s Song” is the track that shows Eminem at his most vulnerable. The track is a pretty simple and straight forward song that has Eminem letting us know that his insecurities and other problems are eating him alive but the sight of Hailie brings joy to him.
The Eminem Show gave us more insight into the world of Eminem. As a producer, he introduces a more rock sounding rap album. His lyric prowess and complexity is honed even further with this album and is a far cry from the simplicity that was The Slim Shady L.P. Today’s fans would call several of the tracks “bangers.” Most of those songs would include “Business”, “Square Dance”, “Without Me”, “Sing For the Moment” (my personal favorite) and especially “Til’ I Collapse.” Recently, “Til’ I Collapse reached a milestone of over 1 billion streams on Spotify. Although the song was never released as a single, fans old and new have stated that the song is a “true banger” and many have stated that it is the best song to work out and exercise to. Considering that The Eminem Show first recently exactly 19 years ago, it’s a testament to the longevity of Eminem when a non single track reaches 1 billion streams on a modern music app. The times have changed, but Eminem proves he may indeed be one of many “G.O.A.T.’s (greatest of all time) in the rap game.
Xpyred Radio
Smooth (Santana & Rob Thomas)
Angel Theme
I Need To Know (Marc Anthony)
Resident Evil 3 Epilogue
Again (Lenny Kravitz)
More (Bobby Darin)
Way to Fall (Starsailor)
Fundamentally Loathsome (Marilyn Manson)
King Nothing (Metallica)
All I’m Gonna Take (Autograph)
Resident Evil 3 End Credits
Cum on Feel the Noize (Quiet Riot)
The Honeymooners Theme
Musical Time Capsule: A Memoir Mixtape
It’s probably a cliché to say “music brings up so many memories.” You’ve probably heard a few people say it. I’m sure plenty of us have said it quite a lot this past semester. Maybe it’s not a cliché at all. It doesn’t matter what time of music you enjoy. We don’t all have to enjoy each other’s musical taste. But one thing is for sure; memories that come to us while listening to music is something we all have in common.
My iPhone is a musical time capsule. I just set my music app to shuffle and a vast majority of songs take me back to different moments in my life. Some memories are great and some are bad. Some songs may bring up bland and boring memories. A few songs may bring up something terrifying or captivating. A few tracks may bring up something offensive or funny or even tragic. In the end, my phone remains a musical time capsule with plenty of memories I will cherish.
Wild, Wild West – Will Smith & Kool Moe Dee (1999)
I despise this song. The film simply not appeal to me when I was 14-years-old. By then, I had been fully invested in the semi adult content of late 90’s professional wrestling and was opposed to the cheesy, corny PG-13 film this song was written for. My hate for this song partially comes from the constant repetition of TV spots Burger King had promoting these cheap Wild, Wild West children’s sunglasses that must have play a dozen times an hour on Nickelodeon. All I hear is the Kool Moe Dee’s baritone voice repeating “Wild, Wild, West” over and over. The TV spots seem to play endlessly throughout the summer of 1999. The commercials were just too annoying but aren’t entirely why I hate this song. The song itself reminds me of those cheap sunglasses and those sunglasses have bring up one of the worst memories I have.
It was July 11th 1999. I was hanging around with my friend Ramy. He lived next door to my grandparents and was the only other friend I had in New Jersey. Earlier in the day we went searching for a kitten named Katie that belonged to our friend Jonathan whom my grandparents used to babysit. Katie had a habit of running out of Jonathan’s house and would roam the neighborhood. Jonathan had asked if we could help bring her back. We spotted Katie hiding inside a hole under some steps of one of the neighboring houses. She wouldn’t come out so Ramy and I went down the block to check up on my uncle who was helping his aunt repair the front steps of her house. When Ramy and I went back up the block, we saw a group of older teenagers – two boys and two girls – standing outside of their car looking down at the concrete. We ran over to see what the commotion was and saw Katie convulsing on the street. Jonathan saw us and ran over to see if we had found Katie. When Jonathan got closer, he saw us standing over Katie as she lay on the hot black concrete—her eye protruding from her tiny skull, the ground covered in blood. Jonathan was wearing those awful sunglasses which were too small on his head. As he watched Katie’s death spasm, he screamed as he removed the sunglasses and snapped them in half. Jonathan’s mother, Neri, walked over to Katie’s body in a drugged up daze. Neri looked like a zombie—death incarnate herself, as she scooped up Katie with her bare hands and tossed her in a plastic garbage can outside their home. I lost my innocence that day. That night I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic because I swear I saw Katie laying at my feet with her eye hanging from her head as she stared at me lifelessly. That day was when my fear of death began and led to the worst part of 1999.
The hill where Katie was hit by the car. Ramy’s house is on the left.
Home Improvement Theme – 1991
I fell for Jessica during our time in Mr. Gil’s 7th grade math class back in September of October of 1997. I recall being too shy to make the first move. She started walking me to class and picking me up after classes. She sat on my lap in the lunchroom. She sat next to me in the schoolyard during lunch recess. I really liked her but I was scared. If Jessica hadn’t become weirdly clingy, I doubt any of this would have happened. One Tuesday night, I ate some awful pigs in a blanket hotdogs a neighbor had brought to my parents. The hotdogs gave me awful indigestion and I ended up sick that evening. I had a nightmare that Jessica was staring at me with her huge, diluted black pupils that looked like a set of abysses. As I tried to kiss her, Jessica then grew a beard and turned into actor Richard Karn known for 1990’s television series Home Improvement and later on became a host for Family Feud. As weird as that was, I chalk that up to this weird coincidence of me always getting sick on Tuesday night’s throughout the entire time I public school. I used to get sick a lot at night and it was always when my parents were watching Home Improvement. The dream made me panic. I freaked out and decided I needed to stay away from Jessica.
The next day, Jessica was extra clingy. After following me the whole day and not giving me space, I yelled at her during PM homeroom. “Get the hell away from me,” I hollered in the packed hallway in front of my classroom. I embarrassed her. It hurt me to do so because it wasn’t her fault. From then on, she changed with me. She started bullying me. She began skipping school. She disappeared for a week and I started to worry. A friend of hers named Brian came over to me during recess and told me that Jessica and her older sister had been arrested for being in a car loaded with drugs. I was shocked. Drugs in 7th grade? Made no sense to me. A few days later, she came back to school and I asked her if she was okay. She yelled at me to get the hell away from her – somewhat poetic if you ask me. When I asked about the arrest, she picked me up in the middle of the school year and body slammed like Hulk Hogan did to Andre the Giant all the years before. She picked me up again, twisted my arm behind my back, slammed my face into the fence, and asked how I knew. I told her and she proceeded to slam me again and chased after Brian. We hardly spoke again after.
In 8th grade, I changed schools. My mother did not like the “urban” feel of Halsey junior high and instead had me transferred to the more rural Russell Sage on Austin Street in Forest Hills. I saw Jessica one last time during the summer of 1997 just before I transferred schools. She had started dating this kid named Sam. He was some weird Egyptian kid that thought he was from California and acted like a disciple of West Coast gangsta rap. One day, they saw me rollerblading around the school. Jessica sat on his lap and asked if he could “lick her clit again like last night.” It broke my heart. I didn’t even know what a clit was at the time but it know it must have been bad. I never saw Jessica again. When my transfer came in November of 1997, I called Jessica to confess my love to her. She told me it was too late and hung up. I never heard from her again. Never saw her again.
Richard Karn on the set of Home Improvement
I Started a Joke – The Bee Gees (1968)
During my depression of 1999, I had hoped I would see Jessica in Forest Hills high school. I waited and waited but she never showed up. She was my last hope for curing the depression I was deeply afflicted with after watching Katie die. I struggled hard in high school. Years later in 2004, I saw a friend of hers, Mara, while I was walking with James along Queens Boulevard and 64th Avenue in front of the old Blimpies sandwich shop. I told James that this girl knew Jessica. James stopped Mara and asked. Mara coldly replied, “She’s dead” and walked away. I felt guilty. Did I kill her? Did me telling Jessica to back off force her into a life of drugs? Did she overdose? Was she murdered? Was it an accident? These questions would plague me until the summer of 2013.
I started dating my current girlfriend, Jessica Z, in 2011. One day I confessed to her that I “murdered” the other Jessica. That was not the proper way to explain it to her, but she heard me out and went onto social media to help find the previous Jessica. I had already tried Xanga back in 2002 and 2003. I tried Myspace in 2004 through 2008. I even tried Facebook but I always came up empty. Jessica Z then asked if the other Jessica had relatives. It never dawned on me to check up on the other Jessica’s sister. Jessica Z then found the sister. Then we found the original Jessica. She was alive. Not only was she alive, but she married a man named Eric. What’s worse? They had a few kids but their firstborn son was also named Eric. I reached out as quickly as I could.
I left Jessica’s apartment around 7 or 8 that night. I was waiting for the Q59 on Grand Avenue while shuffling through music. I noticed that Jessica replied to my Facebook message. I had completely zoned out on my music playing as I clicked on the message icon to read what she sent. She asked if I was the same Erik with the mom who had a rose tattoo on her ankle. We spoke for a bit and I explained how I felt guilty for over 16 years. Jessica’s reply was just a simple “lol” when I told her that I had thought she was dead. 16 years of guilt. What I hadn’t noticed but found ironic was that the Bee Gee’s song “I Started a Joke” had came up on shuffle as Jessica and I replied to each other. It truly was a joke; half my life was spent worried about a woman who was just fine. All this depression, angst, and guilt because of Richard Karn and Home Improvement.
Trouble – Shampoo (1994)
December 17th 1995; my birthday. I had just received Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie as a gift. My parents invited a bunch of family over. My grandparents came with Jonathan and Neri. We let the movie play in the background while we played Mortal Kombat 3 on my Sega Genesis. The song comes up toward the end of the film and is set to a scene of the local kids celebrating the fact that their parents are all hypnotized and being sent to leap to their death. When the song came up, Jonathan screamed out “I love this song” and began dancing. Truly the pinnacle of innocence and purity. Five years later I saw him shattered and broken like the sunglasses he destroyed after Katie died. Jonathan passed from cancer away three years ago. He was far too young. Although we had lost contact after the summer of 2000, I will always have these memories and this song helps to remind me.
The Best Is Yet To Come – Aoife (1998)
This song hits close to home for a few reasons. The first reason being thatI originally heard this song during the first half of 1999 – before watching Katie die and before the fear of death. The title of the song is an extreme juxtaposition of what occurred the rest of that year. It almost feels like a slap in the face to be told “the best is yet to come” and then nothing but negative occured for the remainder of that year. The song is entirely in Gaelic and I have no idea what the lyrics are about, but the song is slow and peaceful sounding; much like the first half of that year. The second reason being that song reminds me of the one woman in my life that I could honestly say I cared for more than any other. Ramy introduced me to a video game called Metal Gear Solid and we spent months playing that one game over and over again. Ramy’s mother, Maha, watched us play that game and laughed as Ramy and I spent hours screaming at each other and at the television as we played. Maha only scolded us one time. However, Maha generally let us boys be boys and she was very supportive of us when we were younger. A very short time ago, I wished her a happy birthday and she replied with a simple thank you and called me her “second son.” Not long after that, she passed away—cancer again. This song reminds me of her positivity and her endearing nature.
The last time I ever heard from Maha.
Ramy and I playing the demo of Metal Gear Solid in the winter of 1998.
Criminal – Eminem (2000)
Criminal conjures up a few different memories for me. I still remember when my friend Saurabh gave me a copy of The Marshall Mathers L.P. and we spent hours listening to that album. We would drive around in his father’s beat up, beige station wagon we called the “shaggin’ wagon.” We were the most non “gangsta” teenagers blasting gangsta rap from those speakers up and down Woodhaven Boulevard between 63 Drive and the old abandoned St Anthony’s Hospital between 89th and 91st Avenues. One time in May of 2002, we parked in front of the hospital during its deconstruction and blasted Criminal while I read this issue 405 of the Uncanny X-Men comic.
Another memory that comes up when I hear Criminal is from a live performance I saw in September of 2001. On Saturday, September 8th, HBO had aired an Eminem concert that Saurabh asked me to record for him. My parents did not like Eminem of his music, so I had to record the concert in secret. I was unable to check the VHS recording of the concert until just before going to school on the morning of September 11th. I remember skimming to Criminal and watching Eminem give a small preamble before performing the song. Eminem explained how he was sitting in a police interrogation room as an officer asked “why did you do it? Why did you do it?” and Eminem replied “because I’m a Criminal.” I went to school that morning and was so excited about that one moment in the concert. After gym class, this classmate named Gary – who was a metalhead and did not listen to Eminem, asked why I was excited. I remember going up the stairs to the second floor and screaming out the same lines Eminem gave before the song began. I had never been this excited about music or a concert before. A few periods later we heard about the terrorist attacks that morning. At first, I feared that I angered the gods by watching something my parents were against. They raised me in their ridiculous beliefs of Santeria so I feared that my glorifying of Eminem somehow led to this catastrophic event. I eventually moved past those childish thoughts but I will never forget that packed stairwell, Gary, that concert or that morning.
She Hates Me – Puddle of Mudd (2001)
I graduated high school in June of 2002 and was desperately in need to run away from my home life. My family had finally just gotten internet access shortly after the 9/11 attacks and my goal from that moment forward was to find a girlfriend online and run away. That girl was Lindsay from Arizona – or so I thought. I met Lindsay and her band of friends during the summer of 2002 while browsing an AOL chat room for Eminem fans. I don’t even recall the specifics of who messaged whom first but I know we spoke throughout the rest of the year and she seemed like she really liked me. We exchanged photographs Christmas and Valentine’s Day cards and love letters. Then she disappeared at the beginning of March in 2003. After months of talking to her, it seemed serious enough where I fell in love with her. Turns out it was all a lie. One day she messaged me claiming to have been nearly kidnapped and a man named “Erik” saved her when she ran to a nearby town. Then she disappeared again and her friend Bonnie messaged me saying “Lindsay is dead.” Having flashbacks to Jessica in junior high school, I panicked and fell into a depression. A few weeks later in the middle of April, Lindsay messaged me calling me a “faggot” and a “bitch” for falling for a girl online. Around this time, the music video for She Hates me had a lot of airtime on MTV and the Fuse channel. The lyrics pretty much summed up my experience with Lindsay. To be honest though, I really enjoy the song and the video always made me laugh.
Tainted Love – Marilyn Manson (2003)
I will never forget Christine. I met Christine one Friday morning in May of 2003 when I walked my friend James to Forest Hills High School. Christine happened to have a class or two with James and after she saw me with him, she demanded that he get her and I together. Christine was an odd girl. She was definitely not my type. I wanted a girl like Britney Spears in the Baby One More Time video. Christine was a metalhead that wore band shirts, black clothes, spiked bracelets and jelly bracelets that somehow were meant to coerce teenagers into performing sex acts based on the color. Me; I was a small dude wearing extra large Ecko shirts and super baggy pants.
Christine finally asked me out on a Monday and I agreed because I wasn’t exactly Rico Suave and the girls were not tripping over themselves trying to get to me. The next day, Christine introduced me to her father as he picked her up in front of the school. When he met me, he said “I’ve heard so much about you” which was odd to me because I had only met his daughter on Friday and started “dating” the day before. On Wednesday morning, Christine met up with me before school and told me she broke up with her girlfriend so she could be with me. She proceeded to kiss me and shoved her tongue so far into my mouth that shocked me. I had kissed a girl or two before that but never had I been kissed with that much tongue. I wouldn’t have that experience again until my friend Lance kissed me the same roughly a year later and I can honestly say I’ve never had another girl kiss me the way Christine did that morning. Thursday afternoon after school, Christine emailed me saying her father did not want her around me. She explained that her father was under the impression that I was the boy that took her virginity a few months before I even met her. Between you and me, I was a 19 year old virgin at the time and proud of it. On Friday, I walked Christine home and she explained that she didn’t care for what her father said; she was planning on staying with me.
That should have been enough of a pause for concern but I was an idiot. On Saturday Christine sent me an email saying she was listening to the Manson cover of Tainted Love while thinking of me and masturbating. I was starting to get a bit worried even though I was a Manson fan at the time. Then the weirdness started. The following week, Christine starting cutting her first and second period classes to hang with me in the mornings. As we walked down 108th street to the local McDonalds, Christine pointed our different people from school. “You see that guy? I gave him head behind the school.” “You see that girl? We fingered each other in front of the house where I first kissed you.” Within the span of four days, she pointed out exactly 12 people she had some sort of sexual encounter with. She was only 16 years old and she had already had more sex that I probably ever would. Now I was started to freak out. Then she said something I never thought I’d hear – “did you know that babies are actually aliens that inhabit a woman’s fetus. Yep… alien babies are a thing.” At that point I needed to break up with her. I decided to break up with her that Friday night.
It was a Friday full of crappy rainy weather and a bit cold; the best day to break up with someone. I walked Christine home and decided I would break up with her through email. Christine lived a block away from the Wendys on the corner of Metropolitan Avenue and Woodhaven Boulevard. After I walked her home, I took all of Woodhaven Boulevard back to 63rd Drive when I noticed I had 17 missed calls from Christine. I called back and she was crying. Her father and step mom were in a bit of a fender bender and she was worried. It totally screwed up my plans of breaking up. I was decent enough to not want to break her hear during what could be a tragedy at home. I walked back to Wendys where we sat for a few hours. As I sat there in a booth with Christine resting under my right arm, a figure came from behind us and slapped her against her head. “What the fuck did I tell you? I told you I didn’t want you with this piece of shit.” It was her father yelling at the top of her lungs. Everyone in Wendys stared at us in silence. Her dad looked at me and said “if I catch with my fucking daughter again, I will bash you head in with the bat I have in my truck.” He yanked Christine by the arm and left Wendys. I waited about five minutes before leaving and as I stepped out the door, Christine’s dad sped up in his truck and almost hit me. It wasn’t the break up I wanted but it sure did the job. I avoided Christine after that. She stalked me for a while before going back to dating girls. She scared the hell out of me. Good times.
Me in April of 2003 with my extra large Ecko shirt and my baggy jeans.
The Wendy’s where Christine’s dad tried to hit me with his truck.
All The Things She Said – T.A.T.U. (2003)
If 1999 was the “year of fear and death”, then 2003 was the “year of the Femme.” James and I were sitting at Macdonald Park on Queens Boulevard when we noticed two Asian girls sitting at the bench across from us. One of them was very tom boyish but the other one was very feminine and super cute. They walked past us and I asked them for the time. As the tom boyish one told me the time, my quick-witted nature had me blurt out “hey you’re kind of cute” to your super cute one. She replies “I’m a lesbian.” Then the tomboy said “I’m a lesbian. My name is Valerie. This is my sister Viella Mae. She isn’t a lesbian.” We laughed at my stupid pickup line and then we learned that Valerie was dating a girl, Monica, who happened to be in one of James’ classes— this should have been an indicator to run after the Christine fiasco. What ensued was three months of ridiculous problems. James’ brother, David, caused major issues for us when he asked Valerie and Monica if they could have sex in front of him like “that one T.A.T.U video.” Turns out Valerie hated T.A.T.U because “they aren’t real lesbians and it’s a cheap marketing ploy.” Things went from bad to worse when it turns out all these girls were cheating on each other with other people or had secret girlfriends no one knew about all. It was like the one song, “Too Hot” by Coolio; Valerie was dating Monica but Valeria had a girlfriend named Derly who was on vacation in Colombia while Monica was also dating a girl named Nikki but Monica was also messing around with a guy named Mike. Meanwhile James was trying to get with Monica who in turn used me for information on Valerie. One night, I met Monica incognito at her apartment. Her parents went to some party and left us alone with her bedridden grandmother. Monica seduced me and we had a bit of under the shirt play and then I went home. Although nothing happened between Monica and I, I somehow ended up with a reputation in Forest Hills High School for supposedly sleeping with Monica. Of course I would end up with a rep a year after I graduated with no way to bask in that glory.
International You Day – No Use For A Name (2001)
I never had someone dedicate something to me until my first real girlfriend, Jane. She dedicated this song to me not long after we began dating in November of 2003. The relationship was tumultuous. She was a 16 year old girl with a twin sister named June. They were both heavy alcoholics during their senior year of high school. Not wanting to relive the drama of Jessica from junior high, I tried my best to get Jane to stop drinking and hanging with a bad crowd. The more I begged and pleaded for her to stop, the deeper she fell into that life. One day she went to a drinking party. While there, she got wasted on drugs and alcohol and ended up having sex with her sister and some girl named Tina that I tried to get with earlier in the year. June was also raped by her boyfriend after Jane left the party. The entire thing was recorded by their friend they called “Pollo” which is Spanish for chicken. I was afraid of losing another girl and being blamed for it so I stayed with Jane for two and a half more years. Soon she became physically abusive to me; giving me cigarette burns and cutting me up so bad that I still have scars from to this day. She ended sending me to the hospital after kicking me in the crotch twice. I probably can’t have kids because of that but I am too scared to confirm. Jane cheated on me numerous times all the while claiming this song explained how she felt about me.
I Believe in a Thing Called Love – The Darkness (2004)
This song is a hard pill to swallow for me. It was introduced to me by a friend named Lance. Lance had a complicated life. He was gay but in the closet as far as his family was concerned. The woman who raised him and claimed to be his mother was really his grandmother. The woman he was told was his sister was actually his birth mother. Lance was confused and complicated. Most people hated Lance. They found him annoying and weird. James hated him and Jane mocked him but I always felt bad that his home life was just as bad or even worse than my own. Growing up, people found me weird and annoying too so it made me give Lance a chance. Lance became weirdly loyal to me after I defended him a few times. The easiest way to compare it would be like having an overprotective guard dog. One day I tried to have sex with Jane. I was still a virgin so I wasn’t prepared. I prematurely ejaculated kind of like that scene from the first American Pie film. When I called James to get some friend advice, he wasn’t around so I called Lance instead. We went to Burger King on Queens Boulevard by Queens Center Mall. We sat there for hours while I talked about the awful non sex I had earlier that day. While we sat there, this girl walked in that I had seen in the neighborhood a few times. She wasn’t attractive in the least and it almost felt like she was stalking me. Whenever I was hanging out in the neighborhood, she would follow me whenever she saw me. I panicked and asked Lance to help me out. When the girl came over to say hello, Lance grabbed my hand and said “excuse me, my boyfriend and I are having a moment. Can you please leave? Scoot, scoot, scoot.” The girl was disgusted and left. It did cause some issues later on when she saw me in public and told her friends I was a fag. Lance had good intentions though so I wasn’t mad but he told me I owed him. Lance happened to live in the building next to mine so we walked home. He asked if I could walk him to his apartment because he was afraid of the elevator. We took the elevator to the 11th floor and Lance cornered me. He reiterated that I owed him and he grabbed me by my face and kissed me. He shoved his tongue down my throat. I had flashbacks of Christine. Lance knew I wasn’t gay, but he stuck around and was fiercely loyal after that kiss.
Still, he had his problems and there were times he needed a shoulder to cry on. One day he came over to my apartment to get away from the abuse. He turned on the Fuse channel and we spent hours watching music videos. Then the music video for “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” came on. He became “giddy as a school girl” as he called it. He told me how much he loved that song. It wasn’t my type of music because at the time I was still so heavily into Eminem and then Manson (because my parents hated him so I needed more of his music to piss them off) and I was sort of into Rammstein and Linkin Park and System of a Down. Justin Hawkins, the lead single, had incredible range when he would sing in falsetto. It kind of grew on me. Lance ran away from home in April of 2004. I know it had to do with his family’s abuse but some days I blame myself because he had a major crush on me and was very upset when he found out I wasn’t gay and that Jane and I were in a relationship. Whenever I heard this song, I think of Lance and wonder if he ever made it.
The Hills Remix – Eminem & The Weeknd (2015)
I never heard the original version of The Hills by The Weeknd. I know nothing about The Weeknd. What I do know is that this remixed version by Eminem speaks volumes to me when it comes to this one woman I know from New Jersey. Ramy introduced me to Melissa back in early 2009. I was single at the time and desperately looking for a girl but my 2003 streak of attracting weird girls had ended and no one caught my attention like Melissa did. I don’t know what it was that attracted me to her because she had a raspy voice, snaggleteeth and had a weird obsessive with wrongly quoting comedians and movies. It could have been that she was the first woman I was able to speak to on a human level where I didn’t have to fake anything with her. We actually spoke like we had known each other for years. I was friend zoned real hard with Melissa. And then one day she goes and gets pregnant and has a baby with some loser from Pennsylvania who had no job. He was cheating on Melissa with a drug addicted woman who had a baby drown while playing with a bucket full of water. I hadn’t seen Melissa in over a year but she met up with me and Ramy during her ninth month of pregnancy. I have no idea how it happened, but that hangout led to issues because her boyfriend claimed that I had sex with her that day and went so far as to claim her baby was actually mind. Newsflash; we never had sex. Hell – we never even kissed or touched hands. Melissa called me after the birth of her first son and started singing tunes about how she hated the baby’s father and how I had a chance with her. We were supposed to meet up one day to hand out and have her talk about her feelings. She stood me up. The next night she tells me “I’m back with my baby’s father.” This happened maybe two or three times whenever they were on the outs. If ever there was a song that so deeply complimented a situation, it’s definitely The Hill Remix by Eminem.
Not Your Kind of People – Garbage (2012)
I had never heard of the band Garbage before until I started dating my current girlfriend of ten years, Jessica. Sidenote – this is a different Jessica and not the one from junior high. Jessica loves Garbage. Despite her love for the band, I never gave them a chance until I heard this particular song in the trailers for Metal Gear Solid 5. Lyrically, I felt like this song was how I felt after all these years of trying to fit in. It hits even closer to home when it comes to Jessica’s family. Her parents are Polish and her sister had 3 kids with a Mexican man she was briefly married to but left for an Irish fellow. Her parents don’t like me because my family is Puerto Rican. All the while I have been trying to live up to these ridiculous expectations and the family still treats me like an outsider. By the time I heard this song in 2015, Jessica and I had been together for five years. After so many failed relationships, trouble with racists parents of the girls I dated, terrible friends and my own family issues, it was all summed up pretty well in this song. The song reminds me of the song “I’m Not like Everybody Else” by The Kinks. So I can relate to it in the same way I relate to the lyrics by The Kinks.
El Gran Varon – Willie Colon (1989)
I remember this song from my childhood by it wasn’t until sometime in the summer of 1999 when I finally understood the lyrics to an extent. The song is a story narrated by Willie Colon. Apparently this was the first song to really bring attention to HIV and AIDS. The song is about a man named Simon who is born in the Summer of 1956. Simon is the pride of his father, Andres. Simon is raised in a strict home. One day Simon leaves his home and begins dressing like a woman. One day, Andres goes to visit Simon. A woman approaches Andres and says “hello father.” Andres is confused as the woman explains she is Simon. Andres shuns Simon and abandons him. A few years pass and Andres is upset that Simon never reached out to him. Andres learns that Simon had died in the summer of 1986. Simon died a strange disease. Simon died alone.
I remember hearing this song a lot when I was younger. When I stayed with my grandparents, my grandmother would turn the radio on early in the morning while she did housework. The Spanish radio station, La Mega 97.9, played this song a lot in the mornings. The story, narration and the characters called to me and were a big influence for me to want to write. The song is depressing as heck and I find myself sometimes shedding a tear when it comes up randomly. After 2004, I sometimes think of Lance when I hear this song. I often compare the narration and story to Stan by Eminem. Both songs are a huge influence on me wanting to write.
One memory attached to this song is the memory of how I could have died in April of 1994. As I mentioned before, I used to stay with my grandparents a lot when I was younger. My grandparents lived in the basement of my grandmothers sister’s house on the corner of 71st and Cottage Avenue in North Bergen, New Jersey. I used to spend my time in the living room of the basement where I sat on my uncles bed and watched TV. In April, my great grandfather became very ill. My parents would go every Saturday to visit him in the hospital while I stayed in my grandparents basement apartment. My great grandfather died on a Friday afternoon. My parents decided to go to Jersey that night instead of waiting until the following day. The next day, while my grandmother and her 4 sisters were upstairs in the kitchen, there was a loud boom equivalent to the sound of an explosion. The house also violently shook. It turns out a car came speeding down 72nd street and lost control and crashed into the side of the house. The car ended up in halfway in the basement and landed on my uncles bed. Fortunately, no one was in the basement at the time. If my parents had not gone to Jersey the previous night, I could have been on that bed when the car slammed into the house. This accident is what led my grandparents to move further down the hill next door to Ramy. If they hadn’t moved down there, they never would have been Jonathan’s babysitters, I would have never met Ramy or Melissa and I would have never seen Katie die. I still remember all the times I woke up on that bed to El Gran Varon playing on the radio and it scares the hell out of me.
Acknowledgments
First, I would like to thank Professor Tougaw. Thank you for proving a calm, cool and fun environment for us to be able to express ourselves through our work, our musical interests and our group work.
Thank you to the rest of the class for being so open minded about each other and making this class one of the best I’ve ever attended. This was easily the most judgment free class I’ve ever seen and I loved every meeting we had – even if I was too self conscious and shit to show up on camera or speak up.
Thank you to Eminem for helping me get through my senior year in high school with the knowledge that there were others out there whose lives were just as difficult, or more difficult as my own.
Thank you George Carlin for the ability to question everything around me and to help open my mind a bit to see how toxic and suppressing my family is.
Thank you to Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows, Art Carney and Joyce Randoplh for bringing the world The Honeymooners. The show got me through the hardest parts of my life. Thank you for the laughs and entertainment.
Thank you to all the people in my past who made my radio station and memoir mix tape possible. Without the horrors, laughs, blood, sweat, tears, pain, love and friendships I wouldn’t have the stories or memories I hold so dear. I may not be friends with most of you and I may not like a lot of you because of how different we became but in the words of Tupac “I ain’t mad at cha.”
